Most viewed jokes

- Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?

- Pupil: Banana.

Why did Eve want to move to New York?
→ She fell for the Big Apple!

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

- Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

- Tell him I can't see him now. Next!

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?" - Freud
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen Glasglow
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. Johnson
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran Lebowitz
It's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx
Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack Nicholson
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke
Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy Parker
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips
A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon Pledge
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort Sahl
Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere - James Thurber
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl Wilson

A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
23. The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
24. I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
25. The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
26. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
27. A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
28. I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
29. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
30. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
31. I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
32. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
33. I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
34. I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
35. I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
36. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
37. I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
38. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
39. My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
40. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
41. My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
42. No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
43. The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
44. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
45. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
46. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
47. The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
48. The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
49. The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
50. There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
51. When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
52. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:

- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:

- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles................

Are you ready for this? :)............

The baby mole said:

- The only thing I can smell is molasses!