Women Jokes — most commented jokes

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. What sign were you born under? No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said:

- White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said:

- Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied:

- I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

Women's English:

- Yes = No

- No = Yes

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

- We need to talk = I need to complain.

- Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

- I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

- I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

- I'm tired = I'm tired.

- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

- What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

- I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

- I love you. = Let's have sex now.

- I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

- (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

- I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I just forget to eat. Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said:

- Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?

Clear as a bell my body said:

- listen witch... do it and die!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.

- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

- Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

- Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

- If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.

- Sadly, all men are created equal.

- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

- Coffee never runs out.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

- Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.

- You can always heat up coffee.

- Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

- If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

- Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.

- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You know you're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - growls the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation:

- What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

- Land mines - replied the Kuwaiti woman.