Women Jokes — most commented jokes

- I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

- Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- And your point is ...

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

- Do NOT start with me. You won't win.

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

- Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A Widow.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
→ His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They are married.

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God - the man says.

- why did you make her so dumb?

God says:

- So she would love you.

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
• EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
• SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."