Women Jokes — most commented jokes

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.

Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.

Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.

Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.

Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.

Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...

"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

What is a wedding tragedy?
→ To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!

Wifespeak / Translation

• You want: You want
• We need: I want
• It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk: I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
• You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
• I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....
• I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]
• Yes: No
• No: No
• Maybe: No
• I'm sorry: You'll be sorry.
• Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
• Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

• The same old thing.: Nothing.
• Nothing.: Everything.
• Everything: My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..
• I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.

My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats!

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you."

"Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," said the husband, flattered.

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".

Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
→ Because their husbands are never there when it happens!