Women Jokes — most commented jokes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

"How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.

The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!

"So, how did you break YOUR leg??"

Why did God give women legs?
→ So that they wouldn't leave tracks like snails!

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive?
→ Put a nipple on it.

A man has a car wreck and they have to amputate his brain.

So the nurse takes him to the brain transplant wearhouse.

On one side of the shelves are lined with brains marked $500.00 each. On the other side the shelves are lined with brains marked $200.00 each.

The brainless man asks why the price differece.

The nurse points to the $200.00 brains and explains that these are female brains, so they've been used.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute!