Women Jokes — most commented jokes

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
→ "We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

• "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
• "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
• "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol Leifer
• "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
• "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
• "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
• "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
• "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
• "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
• "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
• "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
• "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
• "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
• "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
• "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them... "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS? PREGNANT~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL? AN AIRBAG~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES? THE BACK OF HER HEAD

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"