Situations — most commented jokes

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

- Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.

- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

- "All generalizations are false."

- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"

- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

- "REHAB is for quitters"

- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

- "E. coli Happens"

- "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

- "Towers will be violated"

- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

- "End rape. Say 'Yes!'"

- "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

- "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

- "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

- "No Radio - Already Stolen"

- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

- "Assassins do it from behind!"

- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

- "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

- "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

- "Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"

- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

- "i souport publik edekasion"

- "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

- "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

- "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

- "I is a college student."

- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

- "Eschew obfuscation."

- "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

- "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

- "We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

- "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

- "My karma ran over your dogma."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

- "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

- "Welcome to Texas, now go home."

- "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

- "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

- "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."

- "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

- "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "Don't steal. The government hates competition."

- "Is there life before coffee?"

- "Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"

- "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

- "I Cayman went."

- "My other wife is beautiful."

- "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

- "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

- "Nuke the unborn baby whales."

- "Geez if you belive in honkus."

- "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

- "Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

- "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

- "There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

- "If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

- "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

- "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

- "If it's too loud, you're too old."

- "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

- "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

- "Who cares who's on board?"

- "Die Yuppie Scum."

- "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

- "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

- "Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

- "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

- "Exxon Suxx."

- "Honk if you love cheeses."

- "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

- "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

- "So many pedestrians, so little time."

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

- ( ) the tooth could not be found

- ( ) it was not a human tooth

- ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

- ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

- ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

- ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

- ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

- ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

- ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

- ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

- ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

- ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

- ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

- ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

- ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

- [ ] string

- [ ] pliers

- [ ] gunpowder

- [ ] hammer marks

- [ ] chisel

- [ ] part of skull attached to tooth

- [ ] no dental care

- ( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

- Well put - the judge replied.

- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"

- 2 million - said Bruin.

- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:

- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered:

- 4 million.

- FOUR MILLION - yelled the president of ABC.

- How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied:

- 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- He started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

- I missed the bus.

- The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

- The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me - I just work here.

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.
2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, -- or night.
15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. -- Naked!
24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)
25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.
31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance -- in bed
46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again:

- Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says:

- If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!

The second Alien replies:

- O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien:

- If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?

The second replies:

- I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!