Situations — most commented jokes

THE KIDDIE PICK...
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS...
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK...
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS...
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE...
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL...
No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK...
Ditto.

PICK AND STICK...
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT...
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford. They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, "I get the bed." Then another guy says, "I get the bathroom." Then the last guy says, "I guess I get the closet."

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said, "It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it."

What do you call an unemployed jester?
→ Nobody's fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
→ Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River?
→ WET rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of NavalOperations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That's right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."

Neighbor 1: "Correct."

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Neighbor 1: "Yup."

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Neighbor 1: "Fag!"

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter...

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold."

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your ears cold too?"

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was also my first day with the hook."

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

"I thought you hated Italians?" was the comment as the friend recovered. "Yeh, I do. But even I'll admit they're cute when they're little."

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, "What the fuck is this?"

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said, "Do you know how to read sign language?"

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

"Well," says Mr. Big, "What did he say?"

She says he said, "Fuck You!"

Mr. Big replied, "You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you."

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied, "He said Fuck You!"