Situations — most commented jokes

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Bits of information to help you through the day:

- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

- Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

- Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

- Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

- You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

- You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

- You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

- You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"

- You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

- You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

- You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

- You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

- You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

- You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".

- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

- You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

- You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

- You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

- What do chickens think we taste like?

- What do people in China call their good plates?

- What do you call a male ladybug?

- What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?

- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

Things that make me cringe!

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and "It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fuckin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?
8. BIG hair
9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?
10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!