School — most commented jokes

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101--Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework
• MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
• MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
• EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook
• EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
• ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
• MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex
• MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers
• ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It
• SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
• Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
• MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
• MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
• MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
• MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions
• MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

• EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu
• EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231--Mothers-in-law
• MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening
• MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"
• ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I'm sick.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal "spud head".
• Goldfish don't bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
• You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
• When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
• You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
• You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Thoughts from a school teacher:

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put "A very good doctor."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.

Guaranteed to work!

Just pick your head up real fast and say:

"...in JESUS' name...

AMEN!"

(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)

ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class."