Random joke from this category
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted...:
- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:
- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.
- Great! - said the first guy - I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!
- No problem - replied St. Peter - and POOF! The guy was gone.
- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.
- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.
- Easy - replied St. Peter - and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.
- You'll find them easily - he says...
- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
- Don't.
- Don't what? - Adam replied.
- Don't eat the forbidden fruit. - God said.
- Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!
- No way!
- Yes, WAY!
- Don't eat that fruit! - said God.
- Why?
- Because I'm your Father and I said so! - said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.
- Uh huh - Adam replied.
- Then why did you?
- I dunno - Eve answered.
- She started it! - Adam said.
- Did not!
- DID so!
- DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question:
- What part of your body gets to heaven first?
Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself:
- I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.
So she picks on Jenny first who says:
- I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.
The teacher then calls on Jim who says:
- I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.
Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself:
- Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.
She picks him and he says:
- I think your feet get to heaven first.
The relieved teacher asks him:
- Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Johnny says:
- Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob
Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie
Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles
Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says:
- oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.
They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.
- Who's in that room? - the man asks.
- Oh, those are the holy rollers - says Saint Peter.
- They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless.
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.
- Who's in there? - the man asks.
- That's the room for the Shakers - replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man:
- we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound.
They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.
- Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!
Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.
One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:
- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter,
The lager.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:
- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:
- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.
- Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:
- Yes - he informs the couple.
- You can get married in Heaven.
- Great - says the couple.
- but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
- What's wrong? - exclaims the frightened couple.
- Come on! - St. Peter exclaims.
- It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?
