Religion — most commented jokes

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

- Really bad - said the second bee.

- the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.

- No problem - said the first bee.

- Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

- Thanks for the tip - said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked:

- How'd it go?

- Fine - said the second bee.

- It was everything you said it would be.

- Uh, what's that thing on your head? - asked the first bee.

- That's my yarmulka - said the second bee.

- I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said:

- God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked:

- Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....

- If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said...

- If i had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:

- now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!

Yo Momma so old the first cruise line she ever road on was Noah's Ark!

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown:

- Well, was the pig a male or a female?

- A female, of course - shouted Farmer Brown!

- What do you think I am...some sort of queer?

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

What do u call a black priest?
→ Holy shit!!