Religion — most commented jokes

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him:

- Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said:

- Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too.

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

- Well, what's that? - asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved:

- Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him:

- Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question:

- IS THERE A GOD?

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

- There is now - read the printout.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

Net News - The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.

The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.

It has been christened the 'screen saviour'........

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first:

- I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.

The second:

- I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!

The third (who was looking pretty smug):

- I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday..."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I Committed adultery."

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Priest: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Rabbi: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Rabbi: How many times?

- Woman: Just once.

- Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

- Only twenty years of normal sex life?

but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

- But I don't need twenty years - he protested,

- Ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly.

- Can I have the other ten?

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up:

- Can I have the other ten?

The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded:

- Can I have the other ten?

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.