Religion — most commented jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied:

- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said:

- Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say:

- Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.

He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.

Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.

When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said:

- This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.

One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god: How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies...sure:

- gimme 1 second.

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said:

- God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.

So God said:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said:

- See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time.

So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back.

After that, everything was going fine. Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver. Moses said:

- God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.

And God repeated:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK! Moses said:

- I got the last one.

So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses:

- Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?

Moses replied:

- No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer.

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them:

- I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth.

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces:

- I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth.

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth.

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees:

- I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed.

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
→ Santa.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says:

- Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?

The mother says:

- It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says:

- Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess.

The mother says:

- Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?

Darla says:

- No mother! I've never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says:

- Is there something wrong out there doctor?

The doctor replies:

- No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea?
→ Well, one shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady?
→ One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it...

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?
→ "Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"