Religion — most commented jokes

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. "Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.

By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.

So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."

"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.

The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.

The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!

Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract.

On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.

When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription: "Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.

"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..."

"Go on."

"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.

"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."

"Yes, go on," the priest directed.

"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..."

"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.

"And then we heard the front door slam--"

"Oh, SHIT!!!!

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion, they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the same things.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...

Out...

In...

Out... and yes, the baby is born!

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
→ They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.