Random joke from this category
Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.
- Billy, doing that will make you go blind
- Dad, I'm over here!
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.
Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?
"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."
"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"
Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"
"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."
The boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?"
The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a crotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy', everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'"
A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
Father responds, "Well son, before or after sex?"
Son, "Well, before?"
Father, "Picture a tulip with all the petals son."
Son, "Well what about after?"
Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.
- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.
- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.
- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.
- And it hasn't got any arms either.
- What?
- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"
