Men Jokes — most commented jokes

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?
→ Snowballs!

Women's faults are many, men have only 2: Everything they say and everything they do.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Rules that guys wished girls knew...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Wine coolers
• 25... White wine
• 35... Red wine
• 48... Dom Perignon
• 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

• 17... Need to wash my hair
• 25... Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35... Need to color my hair
• 48... Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... shopping
• 25... shopping
• 35... shopping
• 48... shopping
• 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... "Burger King"
• 25... "Free meal"
• 35... "A diamond"
• 48... "A bigger diamond"
• 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... tall, dark and handsome
• 25... tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48... a man with hair
• 66... a man

HOUSE PET

• 17... Muffy the cat
• 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
• 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• 17... 17
• 25... 25
• 35... 35
• 48... 48
• 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

• 17... He offers to pay
• 25... He pays
• 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

• 17... Beer
• 25... Beer
• 35... Scotch
• 48... Double scotch
• 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

• 17... My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48... My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

• 17... Sex
• 25... Sex
• 35... Sex
• 48... Sex
• 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

• 17... Pot
• 25... Cocaine
• 35... Really good cocaine
• 48... Power
• 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

• 17... Cop a feel
• 25... Breakfast
• 35... She didn't set back my therapy
• 48... I didn't bump into her kids.
• 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

• 17... Third base
• 25... Airplane sex
• 35... Menage a trois
• 48... Taking her company public
• 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

• 17... Roaches (to be burned later)
• 25... Old college roommate
• 35... Irish setter
• 48... Children from her first marriage
• 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

• 17... 25
• 25... 35
• 35... 48
• 48... 66
• 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

• 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25... Split the check before we go back to my place
• 35... Just come over
• 48... Just come over and cook
• 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some.

• A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.
• Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.
• Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

What's the difference between a faggot and a queer?
→ A faggot won't go downtown with you to beat up queers!

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house".

The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car". The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami."

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami."

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.