Medicine — most commented jokes

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

A doctor tells his patient - "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you". So, the patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?"

And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you!"

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.

"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Go ahead...

Suture self!"

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds...

"Well of course I don't."

"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, "DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!"

"Well of course you can't silly!" replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.