Lawyer Jokes — most commented jokes

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
→ He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
→ That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
→ I'll be three months on March 12th.

Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
→ Yes.

What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
→ I used to be.

How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
→ Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
→ It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
→ No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
→ You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
→ To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"

The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
→ Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
→ Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
→ The lawyer charges more.

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."