Instrument Jokes — most commented jokes

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"

The soprano answers, "Three."

"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.

Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth."

"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.

"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
→ He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
→ Stage makeup.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
→ Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
→ She was known as the deep C diva.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
→ The baritone.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
→ About 10 pounds.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
→ When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
→ "I didn't wake up this morning..."

- Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.

- Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
→ Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
→ I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They can't get up that high.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
→ They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
→ Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
→ Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
→ Because no one will look for them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
→ Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.