Food Jokes — most commented jokes

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

• Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...
• Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
• Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate
• Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!
• Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
• Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

• Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
• Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated
• Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
• Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate
• Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates
• Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..

Alll-Riighty then...

• Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate
• Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
• Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
• Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
• Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
• Forrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
• Forrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
• Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolate
• Forrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centers
• Forrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centers
• Forrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
• Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.
• Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
• Forrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!
• Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
• Forrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
• Forrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
• Forrest Alimony - The Box is mine!
• Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
• Forrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?
• Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolate
• Forrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolate
• Forrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

• Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
• When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.

- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.

- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?

- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.

The mushroom looks around and says again, "C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone."

- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!

Finally the mushroom says to the bartender, "Hey, c'mon man...

I'm a Fun-gi!"

What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
→ Mugs bunny!

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.