Ethnic — most commented jokes

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.

This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.

The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

Confucious say...

• Woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam
• Man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts
• Man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off
• Boy who lay girl on hill, not on level
• Man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
• He who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed
• He who smoke pot, choke on handle
• Woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
• He who stand on toilet, high on pot!
• Boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
• Girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
• Man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
• Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
• He who masturbate, screw only himself!
• He who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
• Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well." (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said, "After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself." (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued........................... "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

Airport immigration......

NAME: Muhammed al Facid
SEX: Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE: Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.

A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got the ticket, it said nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me."

- How does it go, mijo?

- It goes Jose can you see!

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
• You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• The homeless are invisible.
• The subway makes sense.
• The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
• You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
• Your door has more than three locks.
• You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
• Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
• The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.
• You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
• You consider Westchester "Upstate".
• You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When 'the Dead' are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Top ten television shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Just Shoot Me"

• 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
• 50: Miami residents turn on the heat
• 40: You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
• 35: Italian cars don't start
• 32: Water freezes
• 30: You plan your vacation to Australia
• 25: Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
• 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
• 15: French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
• 5: American cars don't start
• 0: Alaskans put on T-shirts
• -10: German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
• -15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
• -20: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
• -25: Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• -30: You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
• -40: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
• -50: Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
• -80: Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
• -90: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

• It beats being an American.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
• Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
• A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
• Own-an-eskimo scheme.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground