Dumb Jokes — most commented jokes

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
→ Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
→ She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
→ Third grade.

What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
→ Saliva.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
→ A dope ring.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
→ A foursome.

What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
→ A rebel without a clue!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
→ Last year's hide and seek champ.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
→ Divorced.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
→ A space invader.

What do you call a really smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
→ There I am!!

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
→ Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
→ Her IQ goes up.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
→ Trying to hold on to a thought.

What is the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm "sooo" drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
→ They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
→ They always forget the recipe.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
→ So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.

2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.

83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000

Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89

Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.

FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.

Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained

American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175

Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.

Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember

Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets. (Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong. (You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. (Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)

Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo mama so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler".
Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's.
Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, "These walls ain't green!!"
Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."
Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.
Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said what's new!
Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR", So she did.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3. Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6. Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)
7. Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."
8. Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

• They flip you off - plus 20 points.
• They wave at you - minus 10 points.
  C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.
• They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.