Drunks — most commented jokes

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too drunk to find your keys.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"

The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

The social worker asked the bartender, "What's the difference between your job and mine?"

The bartender replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix very good drinks, then wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts, while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!!!"

A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"

Which meatballs get a little tipsy on occasion?
→ The POTTED ones!

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
→ They are for those who don't drink!

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
→ They are both empty from the neck up!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!