Drunks — most commented jokes

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.

Part A - Either Candidate

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...

• Iran
• Iraq
• North Korea
• Afghanistan
• Sudan
• Libya
• Axis of Evil
• Gay Marriage
• United Nations
• Tax Cuts

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...

• Saddam Hussein
• Osama Bin Ladden
• Al Qaeda
• September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center
• WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Homeland Security
• Nuclear Proliferation
• If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them
• If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light)

Part B - George W. Bush

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...

• Uhhh...
• If George Bush stutters
• Florida
• Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq
• Tony Blair
• Dick Cheney
• Terrorist or Terrorism

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...

• Miss-pronounces "nuclear"
• Mentions a John Kerry "Flip Flop"
• Mentions anything else about John Kerry's voting record
• Says "War on Terra"
• Says "Evil-Doers"
• Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks
• Commits a "Bushism" - meaning he says something that doesn't make any sense

Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush

• Chokes on a pretzel

Part C - John Kerry

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...

• [Any Number] Billion Dollars
• Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry
• Four More Years
• Anything about the economy
• No Child Left Behind
• Last Resort
• Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq
• John Edwards

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...

• Mentions "Mission Accomplished"
• Mentions anything about Vietnam
• Mentions anything about Purple Hearts
• Mentions anything about George W. Bush's service in the National Guard
• Mentions anything about Bush administration "misjudgments"
• Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked.

"AFTER the police get here," replies the lawyer.

You know you have if you...

1. Notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad.
8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?
→ 30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

Okay a man is in a bar and he's gettin really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him, "Do you wanna drink?"

And the man replies, "Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!"

And the bartender says, "Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk."

Then the man says, "No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks."

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"