Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
29. You know you should wear a condom on that woody.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.

- What the hell are you supposed to be? - asked the host.

- A premature ejaculation - said the man:

- I just came in my pants!

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought:

- Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said:

- Well son, do you have any questions?

- Just one Dad - gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks:

- How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says:

- I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

- Don't leave me here to die alone here! - the old man said, when the day finally came.

- Now dad - said the son.

- we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son.

- You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!

- Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out.

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son.

- Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!

- That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance.

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child:

- Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!

- But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?

- Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
→ The more you bang it the looser it gets!

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks:

- Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?

- Worse - says the doctor.

- It's frostbite!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:

- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand:

- Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says:

- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says:

- Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says:

- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

Little Johnny says:

- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says:

- Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.

The woman replies:

- Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said:

- Ah, there's the problem!

- What is it? - the man asked.

- Why you have an abscess - said the dentist.

- An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? - asked the man.

- That's easy - replied the dentist.

- Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)