Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked:

- Who are you?

To which he replied:

- Oh, I'm Cess!

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

- Guess what, darling - he said:

- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.

- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.

- Oh yes - she giggled:

- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?

- All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

- Oooh, darling - she said:

- My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

- No wonder - he said:

- One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
11. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
12. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
13. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
14. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
15. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
16. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
17. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
18. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
19. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said:

- Oh come on, just a feel.

She said:

- No, I'm saving myself for marriage.

They went back and forth. He said:

- Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel.

She finally agreed:

- Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage.

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks:

- Can't we please?

She of course states:

- NO, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He says:

- Please, please?

and she says:

- No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He says:

- How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?

She says:

- No way, I'm saving myself for marriage.

He begs and pleads with her:

- I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that.

She finally gives in:

- Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all.

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts:

- OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!

A little stunned, he says:

- NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!

How do you get a blond out of a tree?
→ Wave

How do you drown a blond?
→ Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.

What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.

When can you tell witch cars a blond's car?
→ The stick shift is wet.

What's the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmee's?
→ The pigmee's are a bunch of cunning runts.

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.

Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?

My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
→ A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
→ This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
→ Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
→ Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
→ Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
→ Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
→ Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
→ Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

My husband has never given me an orgasm.
→ The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says:

- Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?

The farmer replies:

- They are peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer hands him one and says:

- Here, try one.

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says:

- Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims:

- son of a gun - jelly!

The man says:

- These apples are great - give me some!

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says:

- Hey, what's up with these apples?

The farmer says:

- They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bit and exclaims:

- Son of a gun - ham!

The guy then says:

- Let me guess - I have to turn it around.

The farmer says:

- You got it.

The guy bites the other side and says:

- Cheese.

Again the man says:

- These apples are great - give me some.

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says:

- What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?

The farmer tells him that:

- These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bite out of it and says:

- Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!

The farmer says:

- Turn it around!