Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

- How's your sex life? - the doctor asked.

- Pretty good - the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added:

- I've had some strange side effects.

- What's that? - the doctor asked anxiously.

- Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

- So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh? - the doctor said.

- The nurse must have told you - said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

- No. It was in your urinalysis. - and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said:

- I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!

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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked:

- Yes sir, may we help you?

- There's something wrong with my dick - he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said:

- You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.

- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you - he said.

- We do not use language like that here - she said.

- Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked:

- Yes?

- There's something wrong with my 'ear' - he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly:

- And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

- I can't piss out of it - the man replied!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

- We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

- Ohhhh no!!! - the patient wailed.

- I'll never be able to experience an erection again!

- Of course you'll still be able to experience erections - replied one surgeon.

- only it will have to be someone else's!

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said:

- Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

- All right, I guess I'll have the operation - he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him:

- I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said:

- Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.

- That's right - exclaimed the man.

- How'd you know?

- Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up - replied the salesman.

- Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.

- Right again - the man said.

The proprietor suggested:

- And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.

- There's your first mistake - the man said.

- I've worn 34's for years.

- No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one - said the owner.

The man replied:

- I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34.

The owner replied:

- Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says:

- How about a quickie for twenty bucks?

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says:

- You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.

In reply, the nurse says:

- If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman:

- I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.

- Do you think it will work? - she asks the doctor.

- It's worth a try - he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says:

- Father, you're not going to believe this.

- What? - says the priest.

- What happened?

- You gave birth to a child.

- But that's impossible!

- I just did the operation - insists the doctor.

- It's a miracle! Here's your baby.

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says:

- Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.

The son says:

- What do you mean, you're not my father?

The priest replies:

- I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded:

- Where's my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!