Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand in a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.

Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

- SM: It's not working.

- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

- SM: And?

- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?"

The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."

The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"

The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small."

The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"

The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"

The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."

Why did the Priest go to Walmart?
→ He wanted to get boys pants "half" off!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.
19. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. BALLS ARE ALWAYS CHECKED FOR FIRMNESS
11. PERIODS ONLY LAST 45 MINUTES
12. PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
13. SOCCER IS A LEGAL PROFESSION
14. PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT CAN BE WASHED AND REUSED
15. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
16. IF YOU GET TOO ROUGH YOU GET A RED CARD
17. YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD OR YOUR FEET
18. LASTS A FULL 90 MINUTES
19. YOU CAN JUGGLE YOUR BALLS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
11. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
12. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
13. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
14. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
15. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
16. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
17. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
18. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
19. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES