Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says:

- Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says:

- In what form?

and the little old lady says:

- Cash. I've got it here in this bag...

and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says:

- Gambling.

- Gambling? - he says.

- What sort of gambling?

- Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

- I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said:

- I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?

- Ok, have it your way - said the president, and they shook hands on it.

- See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning - said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

- Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be? - said the president.

- He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

- No, perfectly understandable - said the president.

- Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win! - he said happily.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

- Not so fast! - said the little old lady.

- For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

- Ok, you win, here's your $100,000 - says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

- What's wrong with him? - asks the bank president.

- Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

- Young lady - said the doctor - you're pregnant.

- But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.

- Well my dear - said the doctor - someone in that colony is cockeyed.

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says:

- I would like one of your special full English breakfasts.

- No problem. - Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

- But I want it MY way. - says the man.

- What do you mean your way? - comes the reply.

The man says:

- well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them. - he says.

- I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans.

- I dont have the time to do all that! - came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

- WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!! - came the reply.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says:

- Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!

One banana turns to the other banana and says:

- Do you believe that shit?

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants.

Santa comes once a year - but when he does he fills your stocking!

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit.

- Don't be stupid - says the barman.

- We've got a perfectly good toilet here!

- Yes - explains the drinker.

- but I take salts.

- So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

- What the hell went on in there?! - he demands.

- I told you - explained the drinker.

- No, you said that you take salts! - yelled the barman.

- That's right - the drinker shrugs.

- somersaults.

Names to Use in Prank Calls:

- Hugh G. Rection

- Jim Nassium

- Claire Voyence

- Buster Hyman

- Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)

- Dick Peede

- Mike Hunt

- Mai Dixie Wrecked

- Jon Doe's brother Dil