Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
→ One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!

What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?
→ Your Mother...

What's sicker than sick?
→ Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....

Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?
→ Cum on Eileen.

What's black and blue and hates sex?
→ A rape victim.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.

The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said:

- I've never seen you in her before.

The guy says:

- Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job.

The owner asks:

- What do you do?

The guy says:

- I write music and play the piano.

The owner, looking excited says:

- REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested.

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says:

- You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?

The guy says:

- I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out.

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says:

- My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers:

- I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore.

The owner again was shocked. The owner says:

- Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.

The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says:

- Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?

The guy smiles and says:

- KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.

He says to the first guy:

- As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru.

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guy when asked says:

- I'd rather die than suffer that.

The chief says:

- Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru!!!

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said:

- I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on:

- Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . .

The repairman could hardly speak:

- Yes yes!

- And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .

- Yes yes!

- Would you help me move the refrigerator?