Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said:

- When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked:

- How did it go?

The man answered:

- Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him:

- To show respect for the dead.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carries father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

- Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?

Mrs Smith replied:

- Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me.

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

- Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model - the editor from the men's magazine explained.

- It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

- What the hell did you do that for! - he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said:

- Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once.

One day Pete was complaining to his friend:

- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:

- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.

So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:

- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.

- Anything interesting happen over-night - asked the mortitian.

- Yes - replied the assistant:

- The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course

- What was the cause of death - enquired the mortition.

- I'm not sure - replied the assistant.

- But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!

- Are you sure? - said the Mortitian.

- Yes, come and have a look for yourself - said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

- That's not a prawn you stupid wanker - he responded:

- That's her clitoris

- Are you sure? - said the assisitant:

- 'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn.