Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

Man in a pub:

- If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? - Other man, - Bloody hell, no!

First man:

- Want to come camping?

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

- OH Santa, won't you please stay? - she begged.

Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable:

- Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

- Santa! You decided to stay! - she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said:

- Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him:

- How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?

The man says:

- Two's fine.

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.

- And cream? - she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says:

- You wouldn't dare!

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king:

- I brought ten apples.

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked:

- Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?

The second one replied:

- I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies:

- Oh Sister, those are nuts.

She answers:

- Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?

- No. The kind you rock on a crack.

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph:

- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!

Ralph looked out the window and said:

- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!

Mary cried:

- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him:

- Do you always run in the nude?

Ralph answered, while gasping for air:

- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.

The other runner then asked the nude man:

- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?

Ralph answered breathlessly:

- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

The runner then asked:

- Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Ralph answered:

- Only if it's raining.

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled:

- Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!

Another customer who was waiting replied:

- Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!

Then the fun began...

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled:

- Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!

The girl turned around and replied:

- It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!

At this the Texan drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.