Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked:

- Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?

The waiter replied:

- Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.

By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented:

- Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?

The waiter replied:

- Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.

Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.

Saves a lot of time.

- Wait a minute - said the diner, how do you get your penis back in your pants?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm.

The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.

They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.

She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.

Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room for Abe and Morey.

The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.

Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.

Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone number as his own.

Where upon Abe said:

- That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams:

- We're going to die! - rips off all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man:

- make me feel like a woman again!

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says:

- pick that up, bitch.

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.

As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy:

- in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning.

Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear:

- this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!

- Dad, can i ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No.

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope.

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wears.......!

- David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

- What's that? - she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

- Tennis ball - came the breathless reply.

- Oh - said the girl sympathetically - that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu:

- I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath:

- Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again:

- Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.

- I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says:

- That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife:

- Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting:

- Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says:

- Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:

- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

The little girl replies:

- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:

- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.

- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

- The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

The American frowned:

- Russian roulette's not a very nice game.

The diplomat smiled:

- That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

- I'll show you how.

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.

- You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex - he told the American.

- That's great - the ambassador said - but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette.

- Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom:

- who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday.

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said:

- Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter.

And the suitor replied:

- Forget your daughter, I want your cow!