Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says:

- In America, we call this a hug.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says:

- In America, we call this a kiss.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says:

- In America, we call this a grass sandwich.

She says:

- Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

- It's a very handy thing - God told the couple - and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.

Adam jumped up and blurted:

- Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

- Fine - God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers.

- What's left here?

- Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

- Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

- You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied:

- Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

- We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant - she confessed miserably.

- I'm sure we'll solve your problem - the doctor reassured her.

- If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.

- Well, all right, doctor - agreed the young woman, blushing.

- but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned:

- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:

- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?