Random joke from this category
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:
- I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:
- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:
What women would do if they had a penis for a day:
One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
- What?
- I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet.
So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
The mom said:
- Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet.
- No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees. The boy says to the girl:
- Go on climb that tree.
The girl climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girl's pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened. Her mum says:
- Oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again. He told her to climb again and she did. When she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says:
- My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.
The girl replied and said:
- No actually I tricked him, this time I did not wear any pants!
This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:
- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.
- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.
- Wife: I'm flat chested.
- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.
- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.
- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".
- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks:
- What are those round things hanging there, daddy?
Proudly, he replies:
- Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here.
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks:
- Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
- Just where the heck do you think you're going!
- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
- Where the heck are you going?
- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!
