Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

- This is a brothel - replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn? - queried the man.

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

- Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing? - she asked.

The guy says:

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:

- Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

- I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.

- Oh really - she spat.

- Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was:

- F.F.

His wife turned to him and answered:

- E.F.

Out on the highway, he said:

- F.F.

She responded simply:

- E.F.

He repeated:

- F.F.

She again replied:

- E.F.

- Mom! Dad! - their son yelled.

- What's going on?

Bad Bernie answered:

- Your mother wants to eat first!

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father then says:

- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister:

- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?

The sister replies:

- Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father answers:

- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.

Excuse me, your fly is unzipped:

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting Up a Tent

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

Washing a Car

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Being in Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Being in a Crash

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

A worried father confronted his daughter one night:

- I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.

- Oh no, Daddy - the daughter replied - Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.