Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

An old man went into confession and told the priest:

- Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.

- I see - said the priest.

- When was the last time you were in confession?

- Never, Father - replied the old man.

- I'm Jewish

- So why are you telling me?

- I'm telling everybody!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:

- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?

- I had tolio as a child - he answered.

- You mean polio? - she asked.

- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.

- They're all lumpy and deformed!

- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.

- You mean measles? - she asked.

- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

- Don't tell me - she said.

- Let me guess.. Smallcox?

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires:

- Are you looking at my pussy?

- Yes, I'm sorry - says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

- It's quite alright - replies the woman, - It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

- I can also make it wink - says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

- Come and sit next to me - suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked:

- Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?

Stunned, Joe replies:

- Good grief! Can it whistle, too?

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
12. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
13. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
14. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
15. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
16. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
17. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
18. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
19. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

- Mother, where do babies come from? - The mother thinks for a few seconds and says:

- Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues:

- That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

- Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

- Well - replies Paul, - you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?

- Yes - replies Jeff with a laugh.

- Well - says Paul, straightening up, - I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.

- That's great! - says Jeff, - When are you going out?

- I went to meet her this evening - continues Paul, - but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

- Sensible - says Jeff.

- So I get to her door - says Paul, - and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.

- And what happened then?

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

- I kicked her in the face.

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.

- See if you can get a girl in exchange for this - he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said:

- It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...

- Sure - she said.

- I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck.

Afterwards, she said:

- Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck.

- Sure - said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When the lad returned home, his father asked:

- Well, how did you make out?

His son replied:

- Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!