Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:

- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

- Thank you! - the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say:

- Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh no! I was riding the mare!

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said:

- Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?

- Hey, thanks! - the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked:

- Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said:

- Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there.

The fair young lady said:

- How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?

The farmer said:

- I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The young lady said:

- Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father:

- Dad, what's that thing hanging down?

- That's the elephant's trunk - replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure. The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks.

The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes outside and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says:

- O.K. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.

The cowboy said:

- I told him my privates are bigger than his.

'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied:

- I proved it to him.

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires.

"That is the Matador Special," replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

- That's what I'll have! - says the businessman.

"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims:

- I'll have the Matador Special!

- Very well, senor! - responds the waiter.

Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

- What's with this! - the now angry man shouts.

"I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with:

- Somebody's gonna get it tonight!

In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.

"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.

- Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight! - the parrot said.

The owl said:

- Who? Who?

And the parrot said:

- Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.

The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him:

- Hey, you have to pay for that.

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again:

- Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute.

She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.