Random joke from this category
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him:
- Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie replied:
- Driving to Chicago!
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks:
- Well Charlie, how are you doing?
Charlie says:
- I just got into Chicago.
- Great - replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks:
- Bob, what are you doing?!
Bob says:
- I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!
You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...
- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.
- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.
- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?
- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.
- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
One day, a man complained to his friend:
- My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.
His friend said:
- Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him:
- Are you a real cowboy?
- Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am - replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
- I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women - told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked:
- Are you a real cowboy?
- Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:
- I'd give anything to sink this next putt.
A stranger walks up to him and whispers:
- Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself:
- Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.
The same stranger moves to his side and says:
- Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says:
- Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says:
- You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.
- Nice to meet you - says the golfer.
- My name's...
- Father O'Malley!
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
- This is $200 - she says.
- I want one that's more sheer - says he.
- This one is $350.
- I want it even more sheer than that.
- This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.
- I'll take it!
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying:
- Go put this on and come down to model it for me.
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks:
- This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
- So, how do you like it? - she says.
- Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
- It's really quite simple - the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
- So - he asked - any luck with your tomatoes?
- No - she replied excitedly - but you should see the size of my cucumbers!
