Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
→ ET - The extra testicle!

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can eat the last doughnut.

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She yells:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!?!

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

- 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

- 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

- 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

- 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

- What if one's penis is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:

- She choked.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says:

- Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants:

- We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying:

- Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks:

- Do you have a question to ask me, young man?

Dopey looks up shyly and says:

- Well, yes.

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks:

- Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?

The Pope replies:

- Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting:

- Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues:

- Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?

To which the Pope replies:

- Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying:

- Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!

The Pope asks Dopey:

- Is there still more to your question?

To which Dopey replies:

- Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?

The startled Pope replies:

- Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling...

- Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says:

- I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

- Don't worry - he says:

- I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

- Who is the third rose from? - she asked.

- Oh - says the doctor:

- that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!