Aviation Jokes — most commented jokes

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:

- I don't like Chinese.

- Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?

- Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.

- Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.

- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike.

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says:

- No like Jew.

- Why not? Why don't you like Jews?

- Jews sink Titanic.

- The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.

- Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

"No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"

"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"

"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"

English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving at our destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of your flight.

Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five -o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?
→ It opens on impact.

What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?
→ American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"

"Damn!" Said the Irishman. 10 mins later, "I'm sorry people Engine #3 has died, We'll be 1 hour late"

20 mins later, "Every one, engine # 4 has died, sorry, We'll be 2 hours late"

Suddenly the Irish man speaks out, "Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we'll be stuck up here all day!!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window.

The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER".

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."