Aviation Jokes — most commented jokes

And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

- San Jose Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

November 1, 1996 - Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.

October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...

- KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.

- Three-two-Charlie: We've got him. We'll follow him.

- KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

- Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.

September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.

June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!

- O'Hare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.

- United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
→ Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

- Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

- Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?

- Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
→ "Chop chop."

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
→ Perfect setup for skeet shooting.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

The Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported that Yugoslavian air defenses had shot down a NATO F-16 just after nightfall while the jet was on a bombing run. The plane crashed into an empty field, creating a huge crater. Serbian search and rescue workers have recovered 307 bodies so far, proving that NATO is using Albanian men, women and children terrorists to wage their war of terror from the sky.

Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up from Yugoslavia by buyer

How is a woman like an airplane?
→ Both have cockpits.