Random joke from this category
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing 350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a 600.00 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse - Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. - Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. - Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Two secretaries were talking about their work.
- I hate filing, said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them.
- I used to have that problem too, but no more, her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!
Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all of the W's!
