At Work — most commented jokes

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo

• "COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control.
• "CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• "APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo

• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" - I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" - I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" - I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M PERSONABLE" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" - I carry a Day-Timer.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE" - I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO" - I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

How to Annoy People at Work

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Practice making fax and modem noises.
3. During meetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentaly" flip the cartridge across the room.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5. ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON
6. type only in lower case.
7. dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither
8. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
10. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.

Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS."

Help Wanted: Telepath.

You know where to apply.

Office work dull?...

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

One-Point Gags

• Run one lap around the office at top speed
• Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
• When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
• Walk sideways to the photcopier.
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

Three-Point Gags

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting

Five-Point Gags

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two"
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights"
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can' talk about it"
• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....

Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is 'GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!'

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?

Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!

Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.

Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
→ Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing