Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
16. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
17. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
20. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
21. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
22. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
23. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
24. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
25. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.
26. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
27. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
    January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
28. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:

- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.

- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.

- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!

Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!

How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!

Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said:

- You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said:

- Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn

What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

- Sure Kemosabe - Tonto said, and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!