Random joke from this category
- It's for my mother-in-law - explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said:
- My Doberman here killed her.
- Gee... That's terrible - commiserated the spectator.
- But... Hmmmm... Is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or so?
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered:
- Get in line.
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states:
- That's one.
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:
- That's two!
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:
- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!
The man stares at his wife and firmly says:
- That's one!
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth," he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said:
- What can your dog do?
The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said:
- Show the fellows what you can do
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.
Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.
He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say:
- no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says:
- Remember me?
The elephant nods yes.
The man then holds up his bat and says:
- Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.
- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?
The elephant replied:
- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.
Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.
- What is heat? - Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.
Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat.
- What is heat Dad?
Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.
Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says:
- where is missy?
Angela said:
- missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street.
Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.
I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son:
- See? It's a baby - I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.
- I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby - he was saying.
- He sounds just like his father - my daughter replied!
