Most commented jokes

- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

- Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.

- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup.

- Remember - the doctor said.

- don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field.

Then he added:

- By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

- Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

- Doctor: How do you feel?

- Patient: A little down in the mouth.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

- Where are you hurting? - asked the doctor.

- You have to help me, I hurt all over - said the woman.

- What do you mean, all over? - asked the doctor.

- be a little more specific.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe:

- Ow, even THAT hurts - she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis:

- You have a broken finger.

- Dentist: $100.00.

- Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

- Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

- Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

- Doctor: Sell!

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

- What's the matter with me? - he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies:

- You're not eating properly.

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

The Doctor was puzzled.

- I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.

- Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.