Most commented jokes

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in." Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?" One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" The second one says, "This one does!"

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer, a priest and 3 children.

The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes.

The doctor yells out:

- Save the children

The lawyer yells out:

- FUCK THE CHILDREN!

The priest yells out:

- IS THERE TIME?

- Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!

- My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?

- He fell on his ass Father he's a cripple you know!

There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.

With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line:

- what's going on? Someone called back:

- They ain't gonna count fucking.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

- Nice tits - says the man.

- Where do you want these blinds?

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered:

- about 1,500.

- That's right! You may enter.

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer:

- Name them.

- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?

- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says:

- We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks:

- Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The old man replies:

- No problem at all, Pastor.

- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks:

- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The man replied:

- The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks:

- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

- Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks - the young man replied.

- What happened? - inquired the pastor.

- My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.

- You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church - stated the pastor.

- That's OK - said the young man.

- We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either.

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".