Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:
- You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
- Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?
- Farmer: That's right.
- Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?
- Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet?
→ He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
Why did the punk cross the road?
→ Because he was stapled to the chickens back.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
→ Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two.
One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
